Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

photo courtesy of imdb.com

SPOILER-FREE REVIEW

     Five years after the previous franchise installment, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales brings Captain Jack Sparrow back to the big screen for another swashbuckling adventure. This time, Sparrow (Johnny Depp) unites with Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites), Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario), and perpetual frenemy Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) to escape the clutches of the sinister Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem) using the mysterious artifact, the Trident of Poseidon.

     How to put this delicately? I’m sure that somewhere out there, there must exist someone who has a good idea about a genuinely interesting story set in the undeniably fruitful Pirates of the Caribbean universe, but if such a person does exist, they must not work at Disney…or at least, they didn’t work on this Pirates film.

photo courtesy of slashfilm.com

     Look, it’s been a long time since the Pirates franchise showed any interest in cultivating the charm, wit, and pirate-y goodness of the original. This film is no different; it’s all spectacle and no magic. The script, even with Depp’s Sparrow delivering lines, is rarely funny and often predictable. Plot conveniences rule the day, and characters are sacrificed to story needs right and left.

     All this is bearable if there are enough new and unique supernatural elements to add into the mix, but here, everything is clearly and unabashedly recycled from the franchise’s glory days. It’s a greatest hits collection, except nothing is nearly as well executed this time around. The message is clear: Disney is content to reuse the same tired formula, pass GO, and collect $1 billion. Comparisons to the Transformers franchise (famous for sustaining critical bashings while earning billions at the box office) are appropriate at this point.

photo courtesy of bloody-disgusting.com

     The jewel in Pirates of the Caribbean’s box office crown is Captain Jack Sparrow, but this time around even he stalls out. For the main character, Sparrow conspicuously does nothing of value in the film. His over-the-top antics are on display towards the beginning, he gets an origin story of sorts, and he remains Captain Salazar’s target because of a past treachery. In the present, however, he has almost no role in the proceedings; he’s just kinda there. He takes a back seat to let all the, erm, competent characters do the heavy lifting.

     One of those characters, Scodelario’s Carina Smith, is a woman, a novelty the movie goes to great lengths to highlight. The feminism is on the nose and, where interesting, borrowed from The Return of the King. Here’s hoping Wonder Woman does better next week.

photo courtesy of movieweb.com

     Now it is possible that, this being primarily a kid’s film, I have been a bit too harsh. It’s enjoyable enough, as mindless action-spectacle entertainment, and the laughs will probably land for the kiddie crowd—though other parts will probably scare the living daylights out of them. But with the quality of today’s kid’s movie fare rising and rising, there’s really no excuse. Nothing to worry about missing out on.

SPOILERY DELICIOUSNESS

photo courtesy of ign.com

     For those who care about the ongoing Pirates lore, there are two notable developments—each of which fails to pack the intended punch. First is the realization that Carina is Barbossa’s daughter, which comes to her at nearly the exact moment of his death. It’s a revelation that could carry some real emotional resonance, but the surrounding development is so sparse that it doesn’t end up carrying much weight. In any case, Barbossa’s immediate death robs the audience of most of the payoff, even if Carina is moved enough to take his name and (possibly) pirate mantle.

     The second is the reappearance of William Turner and Elizabeth Swann, if you can call it that. Their inclusion and reunion are nice touches for fans of the series, to be sure, but their involvement is so slim that it seems mostly like box office bait. With them comes the promise of Davy Jones’ return (via the after-the-credits scene) and a possible sequel or spinoff. While the return of such a formidable villain is exciting, it’s not enough to justify continuing a franchise far past its prime. If Pirates of the Caribbean: Transformers of the Sea makes enough money, however, fans can be sure that they’ll see another installment a few years down the road.

photo courtesy of movieweb.com