 |
| photo courtesy of gizmosforgeeks.com |
SPOILERS, OBVIOUSLY
Welcome to A Portable Keyhole's second annual Star Wars
ranking bonanza. Enjoy a look back at everyone’s favorite space opera franchise,
complete with quotes that exemplify the spirit of the movie in question and, in
an effort to provide some rationale for the ranking, some pros and cons for
each one.
DISCLAIMER: This ranking was compiled
using only the most scientific, strictly objective standards. It should
therefore be treated as definitive fact.
DISCLAIMER 2: Rather than mention it in
every entry, let me just note up top that John Williams’ scores are iconic and
masterful. And Michael Giacchino didn’t do so bad either.
9.
THE PHANTOM MENACE (1999)
“Meesa no have a boomba!” -Jar Jar
Binks
 |
| photo courtesy of starwars.wikia.com |
The one where the best character in the
movie has ten minutes of screen time, speaks two lines, and gets chopped in
half at the end. Meanwhile, Jar Jar Binks.
Pros: While there’s no denying that the
movie has its (well-catalogued) problems, it’s easy to overexaggerate those
flaws. There’s plenty to be impressed with; The
Phantom Menace showcases outstanding and meticulous sets, costumes, and
CGI. Darth Maul’s lightsaber duel was one of the best of the series. Also, Ewan
McGregor is Ewan McGregor, which is definitely a positive.
Cons: The original trilogy gives us
Luke, the sequel trilogy puts forward Rey, but when The Phantom Menace gets going, it has… three or four quasi-main characters. Is it Qui Gon? Obi Wan?
Anakin? Padme? Watto? Obi-Wan by default, I guess. Look, I’m not saying it
would fix the whole movie, but a lot of the other problems might not seem so
egregious if we had one solid character arc/journey to really invest in over
the course of the prequel trilogy.
8. ATTACK
OF THE CLONES (2002)
“I’m haunted by the kiss you should
never have given me.” -Anakin Skywalker, unfortunately
 |
| photo courtesy of metro.co.uk |
The one where there’s a lightsaber for
each line of terrible dialogue.
Pros: Attack of the Clones goes to some genuinely interesting places;
there are secret plots and seedy underbellies galore. If nothing else, it
shamelessly ups the spectacle quotient by a factor of 10, so you can just lose
yourself in massive, meaningless battles to pass the time.
Cons: The CGI gets out of control. Oh,
and that love story between Anakin and Padme isn’t just bad, it’s entirely
incompetent and more than a little embarrassing. How did no one stop that in
pre-production?
7. THE
FORCE AWAKENS (2015)
“I’m haulin’ Rathtars.” -Han Solo
 |
| photo courtesy of starwars.com |
The one where a hero from an isolated
desert planet finds a droid and gets swept up in the resistance effort to blow
up the bad guy’s giant super-weapon, but… oh.
Pros: There’s no denying it’s a
visually stunning movie, well on par with its predecessors in terms of
craftsmanship. And there are kernels of a really interesting, really unique
start to a new era of Star Wars (Luke
Skywalker being missing, a sweet lightsaber duel, engaging new characters, some
exciting mysteries, etc).
Cons: With plenty of rough dialogue and
far too many recycled plot points, this movie lacks the kind of surprise and
high-stakes tension that makes Star Wars
special.
6. REVENGE
OF THE SITH (2005)
“I am the Senate.” -Emperor Palpatine
 |
| photo courtesy of whatculture.com |
The one where Anakin makes new friends.
Pros: The entire weight of the
collective Star Wars mythos comes
full-circle with an awe-inspiring, heartbreaking, and probably a little
indulgent conclusion.
Cons: Anakin going from slightly
mistrustful Jedi to full-blown child murderer in under fifteen minutes is a pretty
catastrophically sloppy character arc. Also, Revenge of the Sith sports some surprisingly poor CGI for a major tentpole
release. Seriously, go back and watch the Emperor v Mace Windu fight when the Emperor’s
electrocuting himself. Yiiiiikes.
5. THE
LAST JEDI (2017)
“Let the past die. Kill it, if you have
to.” -Kylo Ren
 |
| photo courtesy of vox.com |
The one where Kylo Ren only narrowly
beats out Luke for his second “most angsty member of the Skywalker lineage” title.
Pros: The Last Jedi has the boldness to tell a slower, more intimate
story while simultaneously shattering much of the Star Wars status quo. As a by-product, it makes Kylo Ren a much
more interesting villain, gets Luke back in the action, and sets up a blank canvas
for Episode IX to work with.
Cons: Like its immediate predecessor,
this one seems so concerned with setting up the next generation of Star Wars heroes that it sort of has to
pretend the earlier films didn’t happen. And depending on who you ask, The Last Jedi’s subplots range from
conspicuous to downright contrived.
4. ROGUE
ONE: A STAR WARS STORY (2016)
“There were a lot of explosions for two
people blending in.” -K-2S0
 |
| photo courtesy of trailers.apple.com |
The one that’s a spin-off.
Pros: Rogue One enjoys all the perks that come with relative narrative
freedom—including the ability to kill off its main characters. It’s a
refreshing change of pace that, together with some classic Star Wars action, aesthetic, and effects, makes for great cinema.
Cons: The narrative isn’t the smoothest—there
are cracks here and there where it’s clear that a storyline was shortened,
lengthened, cut, or switched (like when Bor Gullet’s in the movie for five
seconds). On top of that, we probably could have used a bit more
characterization for Jyn and Cassian and a bit less nostalgia-driven plotting.
3. RETURN
OF THE JEDI (1980)
“I am a Jedi, like my father before
me.” -Luke Skywalker
 |
| photo courtesy of slashfilm.com |
The one where the Jedi totally
returned, in the sense that they did not return at all and there’s still only
one of them 30 years later.
Pros: Return of the Jedi brings the original trilogy to a close with a
bang, giving audiences a deeply emotional story, an awesome climactic space
battle, and plenty of surprises.
Cons: The Ewoks wreaked havoc on what
was supposedly the Empire’s finest troops, which seems a little implausible.
That’s just one of several odd decisions in a threequel that, truth be told,
doesn’t have much to do except push our heroes into a giant, high-stakes final
battle for the galaxy. But hey, it’s cool, don’t get me wrong.
2. A
NEW HOPE (1977)
“Aren’t you a little short for a
stormtrooper?” -Leia Skywalker
 |
| photo courtesy of starwars.com |
The classic one.
Pros: It’s fantasy at its finest: the
classic hero’s journey archetype populated with loveable characters,
groundbreaking effects, and a richly imagined new world. A New Hope feels just as suspenseful, just as exciting, just as
wondrous as it did 40 years ago.
Cons: To be sure, good dialogue and
strong characterization sometimes takes a backseat to the overall sensation of
the experience. And does it bug anyone else that Leia just sauntered right back
to the Rebel base knowing the Death Star was tracking her there? Not smart and
not cool, Leia.
1. THE
EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980)
“What’s in there?”
“Only what you take with you.” -Luke
and Yoda, respectively
 |
| photo courtesy of hollywoodreporter.com |
The aptly-named one.
Pros: There’s a reason everyone and
their mother compares their wannabe sequels to Empire. It takes the fanciful world established in A New Hope, expands on its mythology in meaningful
ways, and builds a story that challenges
and deepens its characters. There’s a maturity to the storytelling in Empire; it has the boldness to favor
character over action—there are no epic battles in Empire’s third act, and hardly any real action at all except for
one highly personal lightsaber duel—and it dares to take our bright-eyed heroes
and, contrary to expectations, hand them a resounding defeat. Plus, you know,
there’s cool spaceships and stuff.
No comments:
Post a Comment